It hit me... hard

I managed to hold it together through work all day yesterday.  I joked around.  Laughed and smiled.  Acted like normal Monica.  Deep inside I just felt like I had this huge empty hole.  Just a few days ago I spent my lunch hour browsing online at maternity clothes and thinking about how a baby would effect my work schedule.  Now... nothing.  My mind wanders... and usually back to thoughts of "the baby"... but no longer plans and preparation... just sadness.

But still, I was proud that I was able to make it through the day with a (fake) smile.  Yay for me.

I got home, enjoyed a nice dinner with Kevin and our brothers.  We started playing some board games... which turned into drinking games.. which turned into beer pong.  I think they were all happy to see me back to my normal self, playing around and having a great time.  I think they were also pretty happy that I could drink with them again.

Mike and Chad decided that they wanted to continue the party at a bar nearby, but I was pretty... well... sh!tfaced... so I stayed home.  Kevin must have known what was about to happen, so he offered to drop them off at the bar then pick them up later.

I don't know exactly what triggered it or how it happened, but by the time (literally about 10 minutes) Kevin dropped them off and got back home, I was curled up on the bathroom floor, balling hysterically.  It hit me... and it hit me hard.

All of the emotioons that I had supressed... the sadness and confusion and anger... came flooding out.  I thought that I had a pretty good cry on my way home Wednesday... but before I walked in the door, I had to wipe my eyes and put on a smile again.  I didn't want to let the boys (Kevin and our brothers) see me cry.  Last night was completely, totally raw.  I just kept saying "I don't understand... I just don't understand."  Kevin (I am so lucky to have him), held me and did his best to comfort me.  Even Lucy tried to snuggle and make me feel better.

I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover and a sense of relief.  I have never really been a crier... but I think, for some reason, that I needed that.  I needed to come to terms with my feelings and... well... let them out. 

Today, I still feel sad and confused (and did I mention, massively hungover)... but not angry.  I know God will never give me more than I can handle.  And with the love and support of my family, friends, wonderful husband and awesome puppy... I can handle this.  Only a few more weeks and we will try, try again.

Now to get rid of this horrendous hangover.  Ugh!!!