I managed to hold it together through work all day yesterday. I joked around. Laughed and smiled. Acted like normal Monica. Deep inside I just felt like I had this huge empty hole. Just a few days ago I spent my lunch hour browsing online at maternity clothes and thinking about how a baby would effect my work schedule. Now... nothing. My mind wanders... and usually back to thoughts of "the baby"... but no longer plans and preparation... just sadness.
But still, I was proud that I was able to make it through the day with a (fake) smile. Yay for me.
I got home, enjoyed a nice dinner with Kevin and our brothers. We started playing some board games... which turned into drinking games.. which turned into beer pong. I think they were all happy to see me back to my normal self, playing around and having a great time. I think they were also pretty happy that I could drink with them again.
Mike and Chad decided that they wanted to continue the party at a bar nearby, but I was pretty... well... sh!tfaced... so I stayed home. Kevin must have known what was about to happen, so he offered to drop them off at the bar then pick them up later.
I don't know exactly what triggered it or how it happened, but by the time (literally about 10 minutes) Kevin dropped them off and got back home, I was curled up on the bathroom floor, balling hysterically. It hit me... and it hit me hard.
All of the emotioons that I had supressed... the sadness and confusion and anger... came flooding out. I thought that I had a pretty good cry on my way home Wednesday... but before I walked in the door, I had to wipe my eyes and put on a smile again. I didn't want to let the boys (Kevin and our brothers) see me cry. Last night was completely, totally raw. I just kept saying "I don't understand... I just don't understand." Kevin (I am so lucky to have him), held me and did his best to comfort me. Even Lucy tried to snuggle and make me feel better.
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover and a sense of relief. I have never really been a crier... but I think, for some reason, that I needed that. I needed to come to terms with my feelings and... well... let them out.
Today, I still feel sad and confused (and did I mention, massively hungover)... but not angry. I know God will never give me more than I can handle. And with the love and support of my family, friends, wonderful husband and awesome puppy... I can handle this. Only a few more weeks and we will try, try again.
Now to get rid of this horrendous hangover. Ugh!!!