8.17.2011

Heartbroken

Just as quickly as my world turned upside down with a positive pregnancy test last week... my little world got flipped upside down again this morning.

Yesterday I noticed some spotting and I got really nervous.  For whatever reason, I decided to take another pregnancy test (to reassure myself, maybe?)... and it was negative.  I freaked out and bought 3 more.  all 3 came back negative.  I was so sick and upset all night.  This morning, I bled pretty bad.  I called my OB as soon as they opened and explained... they had me come right over.

A trans-vaginal ultrasound confirmed what I feared... I had a "chemical" pregnancy or an early miscarriage... I was trying to prepare for the worst, pray for the best... but I think I was still holding out hope... I think I am just numb right now. 

Kevin is devastated.  He managed to talk his boss into letting him leave work early to come to the appointment with me, then tried to talk me into taking the rest the day off, but I couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of the day in bed crying.  I wanted to stay busy.

I managed to hold it together through the rest of the day at work and through class for Mental Health Nursing (ironically, one of the topics was loss, grief and depression).  I lost it on the way home.  I sobbed and slobbered all over my steering wheel.  I can't believe I lost a baby.

I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along.  I had only known I was pregnant for a few days.  But from the moment I read the test I fell in love.  I daydreamed about names, a nursery, browsed at maternity clothes... I couldn't wait to be a mother.  It's amazing how quickly your world can change... and then in the blink of an eye, change again.

We plan to take a month off to heal, and then try again... but for now all I am able to think about is my little angel baby.