After a meeting with the boss lady (those are always fun...) and an absolutely asinine inservice that caused me to leave work almost 30 minutes later than usual, I left work to pick up my baby girl. When I got there, our sitter let it slip that she had started walking. It took every ounce of self control to pay her, grab my little girl and run out of there before the tears started flowing. I HATE MY @^%^*$#&^ JOB!!!! Now, normally I like my job. For the most part. I like being a nurse, I like my coworkers, I like my patients, I like my job.But my job just caused me to miss my baby girl's first steps. Her FIRST STEPS!!! Of course part of me is super excited that she has reached this milestone, part of me is sad because it really means she is growing up and part of me wants to quit my job right this instant because I don't ever want to miss another milestone or memory. Being a working mom is tough, your heart gets beaten and bruised every time you have to drop your baby off at daycare... but being a working mom on days like today is just plain awful. I often wonder if it's worth it. No paycheck can replace missed milestones. I can't buy back her first steps. I am crushed that I missed seeing her walk for the very first time. So... as if the day couldn't get any crappier, I received a phone call from my mom saying that my grandfather was not doing well at all. His health has been failing over the last few years, but I thought he had hit a plateau and was holding strong. Notsomuch. They didn't expect him to make it through the day. I immediately flashed back to my wedding day. I have thought about this day often and one part of the day has always weighed heavy on my heart. When it was time for the father/daughter dance, the DJ announced the dance and I looked around for my dad. He was MIA (embarrassingly for him, in the bathroom, ha!)... my grandfather offered to dance with me and I politely declined saying that we would just play another song until my dad was ready. I promised to dance with him later in the evening. I never did. The evening was such a blur and I was so caught up in... well... everything... that time just got away from me. Before I knew it, he had to leave. We never had our dance. I have thought of this often and with much guilt. One dance. Just one dance. Just one dance. It probably would have meant the world to him... and now, it would have meant the world to me. I wish I could go back and dance with him. I had planned to ask him to dance at my cousin's wedding next summer, but that won't be possible. It's too late. Shortly after my mom called to let me know that he wasn't doing well, I called my aunt who was at the hospital with him. She told me he had already passed. I was too late again. I didn't get to say goodbye. My grandfather was a wonderful man. A Navy veteran, a survivor of the USS Forrestal disaster, a lung cancer survivor, and more importantly a loving husband, father, grandfather and great grandfather. He was very loved and will be dearly missed. In January, Kennedy and I flew down to Florida and he got to meet her for the first time. They were both all smiles around each other. These are my last memories of him and they are precious memories that will stay with me forever. My mom caught this picture from the very first time they met. It is just perfect and exactly how I will remember him. Rest in peace, Pop Pop.
To my angel baby, One year. You would be one year old today.
Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind and I find myself wondering who you would be if you were here with me.
We should be having your first birthday party this weekend, maybe taking our first trip to the beach or doing something fun like that. Instead I sit here smiling at my rainbow baby with tears in my eyes thinking about you. Such a strange mix of emotions. I look at my sweet baby girl, Kennedy and know that everything happens for a reason. If you were here with me, she would not be. She is absolutely the light of my life and I wouldn't change a thing that has happened... yet a little piece of my heart will always remain broken and I still can't help but wonder who you would be today.
Were you a little prince or a princess? I had a gut feeling that you were a little girl and we even nicknamed you Emily Rose.. but I am still curious. My intuition is pretty terrible after all. :) Would you be walking, talking, saying my name? Would you have crazy hair like Kennedy does? Beautiful gray/green eyes? Chubby Fred Flinstone feet? Would you smile like her or does she smile like you? What would your laugh sound like? Are you still here with us? Can she sense you? See you? Does she see you in her dreams? Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?
You were only with me for a very very brief time, I never got a chance to hold you in my arms or even hear the sweet sound of your beating heart, but you were a part of me. You will always be a part of me. Some think it's silly to still think of you, celebrate you, miss you, but I just don't think they understand... You were my baby. You still ARE my baby... my angel baby. And the pain never truly goes away. Neither does the wonder, the what if's, the why...
While those questions will never be answered and the little piece of my heart that you occupied will always be broken, I know that you are somewhere absolutely beautiful and wonderful. You have lots of friends, because I have lots of friends who also have angel babies. I know you are loved, more than you ever had the chance to know.
So sleep peacefully and play with the angels. I hope you are having one heck of a party up there, complete with a delicious angel food cake. (Yeah, your mommy is totally corny like that). :) I miss you so much and wish I could celebrate with you, hold you, kiss you, tell you I love you. Happy birthday, my sweet angel baby.
Love always, Mommy
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book 'Too beautiful for earth'
Given that my 29th birthday is Sunday, I originally started off earlier this week with the intent to make a list of 30 things I want to do before age 30 (and I will probably finish this list and post it tomorrow)... but in thinking about my goals I realized that in order to better evaluate what I want to do and where I want to be in the next year... I should take a look at this past year.
So... I spent the past day or two reflecting on the past year of my life. What I have done, what I have seen, where I have been, who I have become. And so I present....
28 Things I Accomplished At Age 28
1. Spent my last birthday as a single woman
2.Finally found and ordered my wedding dress
3. Planned the wedding of the year
4. Watched and assisted in the delivery of a baby
5.Went black Friday shopping at midnight with my BFF and BIL (best.shopping trip.ever!)
6.Worked most of the major winter holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas) but celebrated anyway
7. Saw 3 awesome country concerts (Toby Keith/Eric Church, Kenny Chesney/Zac Brown, Lady Antebellum)
8.Did not read a single book for fun, but read more Nursing books than I ever thought I would
9.Bought our first house
10. Had the best bachelorette party ever (wine tour on a party bus with some of the most fun, fabulous women I have ever met!)
11.Lost my grandmother. I miss you, Grams!
12.Married the man of my dreams
13.Finally got to use the phrase “my husband” and hear “my wife” (still makes me giggle) and put aside the word "fiance"... which I love. Also put aside all of the anticipation, excitement and stress that comes with planning a wedding, a truly bittersweet sentiment
14. Went on my dream honeymoon, 7 amazing nights in St. Lucia
15.Bought a puppy, love my little Lucy bear
16. Started a blog (and proceeded to spend WAY too much time on said blog)
17.Attended my first in-home “adult” type party… I was nervous… it was a blast! As a matter of fact, I attended my second one about a month later
18.Spent entirely too much time and money shopping online… and at Target, TJ Maxx, Marshalls… ok just shopping in general… and not enough time with my husband
19.Hosted my own in-home shopping party and Knottie Get Together (Pure Romance… can’t wait to do it again!)
20. Really slacked off on my Saturday morning trips to the market (I blame the move to Liverpool and Kevin working weekends)
21.Really slacked off on my running (I have no one to blame but myself… and maybe the weather a little bit. One goal for next year… re-find my motivation and hit the pavement)
22.Got pregnant and finally understood just how powerful one tiny little “+” can be and the depth of love that develops in the very instant you see that positive
23. Experienced a miscarriage and understood grief on a whole new, deeper level… and more specifically disenfranchised grief… what a strange and sad feeling to be mourning the loss of a life that never existed in the eyes of many. Also found the strength to share my story and give support to other women who have experienced a pregnancy loss
24. Learned more about fertility than I ever cared to know (what BBT, CM, FWP, BD, AF, MF mean… how to chart, temp, monitor signs, predict ovulation… this could be a full time job!)
25. Went to the Great NY State Fair and enjoyed my annual 3 fried things (deep fried bacon wrapped snickers, deep fried chicken wing dip, deep fried Reeses) as well as a few wine slushies and the most delicious roasted ear of corn
26. Dug up the “fugly” plants that lined the front of my house and replaced them with mums and pumpkins… found out that maybe I do have a green thumb after all. Talked my brother and brother-in-law into digging up the equally fugly bushes in the back yard. The big empty dirt hole is still sitting there. I need to put my green thumb back to work and finish that job
27.Finished nursing school
28.For the first time, really took some time to look back on the previous year and reflect on what I have accomplished and what I have neglected… and created a list of goals for myself for the upcoming year. I like this!
What I have learned by making this list is that 28 was one helluva year for me. I accomplished some HUGE things… marriage, house, school. Seriously, I must give myself a big pat on the back for those gigantic accomplishments. However, they came at a price… it appears that, throughout the year, I sacrificed and lost sight of many of the little things that used to always be a staple in my day to day life. I didn’t run anywhere near as much as I wanted to… actually I was not as active in general as I would like to be and this is an area that I definitely want to improve in the coming year. Thankfully, my waistline has not suffered, nor has the scale, but I do notice a definite decline in motivation and overall energy level which I am not happy about. Running Monica = Happy (and hyper) Monica… and I really need to get back to my happy/hyper place. I also don’t recall having many “dates” with my now-husband. We spent time together every chance we could, but we didn’t date… and that is another thing I really want to work on this coming year. Lastly, I want to be a better friend and family member. I want to send birthday cards to aunts and uncles and cousins… ON TIME. I want to send “Thinking of you” cards to friends for no reason other than to make them smile. I want to visit my parents in Florida and hang out with my brother wherever he may be. Luckily, we were fortunate enough to have our friends and family come to us this year for our wedding, but I want to be the one making the effort to stay in touch and grow our relationships.
I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, who I am and who I want to be. I have experienced some of the happiest and saddest days of my life over the past year. I have counted my blessings and questioned my faith. I have taken on new roles and put aside old ones. I have made new friends and said “goodbye” to some of the people who brought unnecessary drama into my life. I have grown in my ability to think introspectively and become an overall more caring and understanding person. I have become a little more “me” than I was last year… and next year I will become even more of the woman I am destined to be.
See ya later, 28. It’s been a great year, but I am ready to see what I can make out of these next 12 months. Bring it on, 29!!
I never really pay much attention to this small garden that is between the hospital I work at and the hospital I go to school at. Since DH and I drove to work together and I had to wait for him to pick me up, I found myself wandering around this garden. I felt like I was brought here for a reason when I came across this...
It totally made me smile and brought a wave of calm and peace over me. Well said, Dr. Seuss... well said.
Apparently, some genius thought it would be a fabulous idea to raise breast cancer awareness by creating a game that involved women "faking" a pregnancy announcement on FB. WTF.
I could go on for light years on how I feel about this, but instead I will include a link to someone who has already posted a perfect response to this ridiculous game.
Please take a moment to read what this woman has to say about this stupid "game"... and think before you post.
On a positive note, I have decided to join and share my story with the "I am the face" campaign. Perhaps you noticed my new badge on the right (copied below).
Did you know that 1 in 4 women have been or will be affected by miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss? 1 in 4!!!!!!!!!
I am normally not the most sensitive person in the world, nor am I easily offended by other people's stupidity.... but with a statistic like that, the chances are pretty good that someone you know has been touched by such a tragedy.
It's one thing to make a legit pregnancy announcement. A huge congratulations to you!!! But to "fake" a pregnancy when so many women would give anything for a "real" one... is just plain cruel. Not to mention that many women who are breast cancer survivors are now infertile as a result of their treatment.... how's that for bitter irony?
Think before you speak or post.
In the hopes of spreading the word about this silent grief that so many women share, I have decided to share my story with the "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope" campaign. You can read it here... http://facesofloss.com/2011/09/3076.html#more-3076
I encourage anyone to browse this site and support this cause. Chances are, unfortunately, you or someone close to you has or will have to face this sad situation. Help them or help yourself to break the silence and grieve out loud.
I managed to hold it together through work all day yesterday. I joked around. Laughed and smiled. Acted like normal Monica. Deep inside I just felt like I had this huge empty hole. Just a few days ago I spent my lunch hour browsing online at maternity clothes and thinking about how a baby would effect my work schedule. Now... nothing. My mind wanders... and usually back to thoughts of "the baby"... but no longer plans and preparation... just sadness.
But still, I was proud that I was able to make it through the day with a (fake) smile. Yay for me.
I got home, enjoyed a nice dinner with Kevin and our brothers. We started playing some board games... which turned into drinking games.. which turned into beer pong. I think they were all happy to see me back to my normal self, playing around and having a great time. I think they were also pretty happy that I could drink with them again.
Mike and Chad decided that they wanted to continue the party at a bar nearby, but I was pretty... well... sh!tfaced... so I stayed home. Kevin must have known what was about to happen, so he offered to drop them off at the bar then pick them up later.
I don't know exactly what triggered it or how it happened, but by the time (literally about 10 minutes) Kevin dropped them off and got back home, I was curled up on the bathroom floor, balling hysterically. It hit me... and it hit me hard.
All of the emotioons that I had supressed... the sadness and confusion and anger... came flooding out. I thought that I had a pretty good cry on my way home Wednesday... but before I walked in the door, I had to wipe my eyes and put on a smile again. I didn't want to let the boys (Kevin and our brothers) see me cry. Last night was completely, totally raw. I just kept saying "I don't understand... I just don't understand." Kevin (I am so lucky to have him), held me and did his best to comfort me. Even Lucy tried to snuggle and make me feel better.
I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover and a sense of relief. I have never really been a crier... but I think, for some reason, that I needed that. I needed to come to terms with my feelings and... well... let them out.
Today, I still feel sad and confused (and did I mention, massively hungover)... but not angry. I know God will never give me more than I can handle. And with the love and support of my family, friends, wonderful husband and awesome puppy... I can handle this. Only a few more weeks and we will try, try again.
Now to get rid of this horrendous hangover. Ugh!!!
Just as quickly as my world turned upside down with a positive pregnancy test last week... my little world got flipped upside down again this morning.
Yesterday I noticed some spotting and I got really nervous. For whatever reason, I decided to take another pregnancy test (to reassure myself, maybe?)... and it was negative. I freaked out and bought 3 more. all 3 came back negative. I was so sick and upset all night. This morning, I bled pretty bad. I called my OB as soon as they opened and explained... they had me come right over.
A trans-vaginal ultrasound confirmed what I feared... I had a "chemical" pregnancy or an early miscarriage... I was trying to prepare for the worst, pray for the best... but I think I was still holding out hope... I think I am just numb right now.
Kevin is devastated. He managed to talk his boss into letting him leave work early to come to the appointment with me, then tried to talk me into taking the rest the day off, but I couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of the day in bed crying. I wanted to stay busy.
I managed to hold it together through the rest of the day at work and through class for Mental Health Nursing (ironically, one of the topics was loss, grief and depression). I lost it on the way home. I sobbed and slobbered all over my steering wheel. I can't believe I lost a baby.
I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along. I had only known I was pregnant for a few days. But from the moment I read the test I fell in love. I daydreamed about names, a nursery, browsed at maternity clothes... I couldn't wait to be a mother. It's amazing how quickly your world can change... and then in the blink of an eye, change again.
We plan to take a month off to heal, and then try again... but for now all I am able to think about is my little angel baby.
