4.20.2013

Who You'd Be Today

To my angel baby,

One year.  You would be one year old today.  

Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind and I find myself wondering who you would be if you were here with me.

We should be having your first birthday party this weekend, maybe taking our first trip to the beach or doing something fun like that.  Instead I sit here smiling at my rainbow baby with tears in my eyes thinking about you.  Such a strange mix of emotions.  I look at my sweet baby girl, Kennedy and know that everything happens for a reason.  If you were here with me, she would not be.  She is absolutely the light of my life and I wouldn't change a thing that has happened... yet a little piece of my heart will always remain broken and I still can't help but wonder who you would be today.

Were you a little prince or a princess?  I had a gut feeling that you were a little girl and we even nicknamed you Emily Rose.. but I am still curious.  My intuition is pretty terrible after all.  :)
Would you be walking, talking, saying my name?
Would you have crazy hair like Kennedy does?  Beautiful gray/green eyes?  Chubby Fred Flinstone feet?
Would you smile like her or does she smile like you?  What would your laugh sound like?
Are you still here with us?  Can she sense you?  See you?  Does she see you in her dreams?  Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?

You were only with me for a very very brief time, I never got a chance to hold you in my arms or even hear the sweet sound of your beating heart, but you were a part of me.  You will always be a part of me.  Some think it's silly to still think of you, celebrate you, miss you, but I just don't think they understand... You were my baby.  You still ARE my baby... my angel baby.  And the pain never truly goes away.  Neither does the wonder, the what if's, the why...

While those questions will never be answered and the little piece of my heart that you occupied will always be broken, I know that you are somewhere absolutely beautiful and wonderful.  You have lots of friends, because I have lots of friends who also have angel babies.  I know you are loved, more than you ever had the chance to know. 

So sleep peacefully and play with the angels.  I hope you are having one heck of a party up there, complete with a delicious angel food cake.  (Yeah, your mommy is totally corny like that).  :)  I miss you so much and wish I could celebrate with you, hold you, kiss you, tell you I love you.

Happy birthday, my sweet angel baby.

Love always,
Mommy 

An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, 
and whispered as she closed the book 
'Too beautiful for earth'