You would be 2 years old today. I watch Kennedy running around and singing the song from Frozen and catch myself daydreaming about you. She definitely has a personality all her own, but when I look at her, especially on days like today, I think of you.
If you were here, she would not be. What a strange and confusing emotion. I am so grateful for her, but I so desperately long to know you, to hold you, to have you here with me.
I still have the wonders and what if's... the daydreams and nightmares... I still wonder if you were an Emily Rose or a (boy name we never talked about). I wonder if you would be as obsessed with Frozen as she is and if you would adore the puppies as much as she does. I wonder if you would be clumsy or quiet or shy or silly. I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
So today, like many days, I wonder.
I went back and read some old blog entires... the day I found out I was pregnant with you... the day I found out I lost you... your first birthday in heaven. The raw emotion came flooding back just as strong as those first days. It's amazing how reading one's own letters is like stepping back in time. The pain felt fresh all over again and I feel the tears flowing again.
Then Kennedy, your sweet and silly earthly sister climbs into my lap and says "I love you mama" and as much as I know it is her comforting me, in some strange way I feel you.
And happy birthday, sweet angel.