Lately I've been reflecting a lot on how I felt before Kennedy was born (which truthfully, I can hardly remember what life was like before her)... and thinking a lot about how much our lives will be changing when this baby arrives. And I feel... torn.
I actually had a meltdown (complete with ugly cry) the other day and thought for a fleeting moment "I don't want to have another baby". Of course, this is completely untrue. Of course we are over the moon to bring another baby into this world and we are so excited to watch Kennedy become a big sister. But I would be lying if I said a small part of me wasn't sad at the thought of changing the relationship I have with my one and only baby girl.
Kennedy seems happy about the baby. She often rests her head on my belly or pats my bump and says "hi baby". She takes out my doppler and wants to "listen to baby" or points to herself and says "big sisser". She seems torn 50/50 on whether or not the "belly baby" is "baby brodder" or "baby sisser" but either way she seems genuinely interested and excited. But I know in just a few short weeks, her world is going to be turned upside down.
Right now, I am all hers and she is the center of everyone's attention, especially mine.
What is it going to be like to share my heart, my attention, my time? Will I be able to give the new baby all of the love and attention he or she needs while still giving all of the love and attention to Kennedy that she is accustomed to? Will she hate me forever for removing her from her only child throne?
Before her time as my only child expires, I wanted to jot down some feelings in a letter. I know she does not completely understand all of the changes that are happening right now, but maybe some day she will read, maybe some day she will understand.
Dear Kennedy, my baby girl,
I remember just before you were born looking at my loving husband- your daddy- and wondering how I could ever possibly love someone as much as I love him. I wondered who you were and what our life would be like once you joined us. I was excited, nervous, confused, scared and ecstatic all at the same time. I wondered what it would feel like to be a mother, and worried if I would be any good at it. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give you all of the love you deserved.
Then you arrived.
Eight pounds, ten ounces. Twenty-one inches. Head full of dark brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes. You had the sweetest little cry and the most amazing new baby smell.
My heart immediately grew and despite all of my fears and worries about what life would be like with you, I could no longer remember my life without you.
I held you close and promised to give you all of my love for all of your life, not even fully understanding what that meant and yet somehow knowing I meant every word.
I remember spending hours every night holding you, nursing you, staring at you. I cried constantly. Happy tears because my heart had never been so overwhelmed with joy and scared tears because I was terrified of all of the ways that I could possibly mess up this whole mom job. I cried when you cried because it hurt my heart to see you sad. I cried when you smiled because I felt like my heart would burst with happiness.
You were my whole world. You are my whole world.
Today you are my one and only. Soon, though, things will change. Change is good, but sometimes change is hard. Before things change, I wanted to take some time to tell you just how much you mean to me. In the days to come, you might feel sad and confused. I promise that bringing a new baby into our world does not mean I will love you any less, but rather that my heart will grow yet again and I will love even more. And I promise your heart will grow too, just like mine did when I first laid eyes on you. You will make a new friend that will be yours for a lifetime. Your new little brother or sister will be so lucky because they have such an amazing, kind, loving big sister to look up to.
No matter how many other little brothers or sisters join our family, you are and always will be the little girl who made me a mother. You will always be the first one I held in my arms and snuggled to sleep. You will always be the first one to call me "mama" and the first one to enjoy all of the "firsts". You are and always will be my sweet baby girl.
Forever and always,