You would be 2 years old today. I watch Kennedy running around and singing the song from Frozen and catch myself daydreaming about you. She definitely has a personality all her own, but when I look at her, especially on days like today, I think of you.
If you were here, she would not be. What a strange and confusing emotion. I am so grateful for her, but I so desperately long to know you, to hold you, to have you here with me.
I still have the wonders and what if's... the daydreams and nightmares... I still wonder if you were an Emily Rose or a (boy name we never talked about). I wonder if you would be as obsessed with Frozen as she is and if you would adore the puppies as much as she does. I wonder if you would be clumsy or quiet or shy or silly. I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
So today, like many days, I wonder.
I went back and read some old blog entires... the day I found out I was pregnant with you... the day I found out I lost you... your first birthday in heaven. The raw emotion came flooding back just as strong as those first days. It's amazing how reading one's own letters is like stepping back in time. The pain felt fresh all over again and I feel the tears flowing again.
Then Kennedy, your sweet and silly earthly sister climbs into my lap and says "I love you mama" and as much as I know it is her comforting me, in some strange way I feel you.
Thank you.
And happy birthday, sweet angel.
To my angel baby,
One year. You would be one year old today.
Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind and I find myself wondering who you would be if you were here with me.
We should be having your first birthday party this weekend, maybe taking our first trip to the beach or doing something fun like that. Instead I sit here smiling at my rainbow baby with tears in my eyes thinking about you. Such a strange mix of emotions. I look at my sweet baby girl, Kennedy and know that everything happens for a reason. If you were here with me, she would not be. She is absolutely the light of my life and I wouldn't change a thing that has happened... yet a little piece of my heart will always remain broken and I still can't help but wonder who you would be today.
Were you a little prince or a princess? I had a gut feeling that you were a little girl and we even nicknamed you Emily Rose.. but I am still curious. My intuition is pretty terrible after all. :)
Would you be walking, talking, saying my name?
Would you have crazy hair like Kennedy does? Beautiful gray/green eyes? Chubby Fred Flinstone feet?
Would you smile like her or does she smile like you? What would your laugh sound like?
Are you still here with us? Can she sense you? See you? Does she see you in her dreams? Will you visit me in my dreams tonight?
You were only with me for a very very brief time, I never got a chance to hold you in my arms or even hear the sweet sound of your beating heart, but you were a part of me. You will always be a part of me. Some think it's silly to still think of you, celebrate you, miss you, but I just don't think they understand... You were my baby. You still ARE my baby... my angel baby. And the pain never truly goes away. Neither does the wonder, the what if's, the why...
While those questions will never be answered and the little piece of my heart that you occupied will always be broken, I know that you are somewhere absolutely beautiful and wonderful. You have lots of friends, because I have lots of friends who also have angel babies. I know you are loved, more than you ever had the chance to know.
So sleep peacefully and play with the angels. I hope you are having one heck of a party up there, complete with a delicious angel food cake. (Yeah, your mommy is totally corny like that). :) I miss you so much and wish I could celebrate with you, hold you, kiss you, tell you I love you.
Happy birthday, my sweet angel baby.
Love always,
Mommy
An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth,
and whispered as she closed the book
'Too beautiful for earth'
Bittersweet doesn't even seem to come close to how I am feeling right now... but it is the only word I can think of to describe the simultaneous sadness and joy that is today.
Today should be your birthday. Although... if you are anything like me {{late for everything}} then your birthday would probably be next week sometime. But... today is your due date. Was your due date.
Today I am also 26 weeks and change pregnant with your brother or sister. My belly is growing and I feel them kick and punch and roll all the time. I am so thankful for this little miracle and he or she is always quick to remind me that I do have much to be thankful for. Despite this enormous blessing, it is hard to smile today, knowing that I could be holding you, should be holding you.
Fly high with the angels, sweet baby... until we meet again.
Just as quickly as my world turned upside down with a positive pregnancy test last week... my little world got flipped upside down again this morning.
Yesterday I noticed some spotting and I got really nervous. For whatever reason, I decided to take another pregnancy test (to reassure myself, maybe?)... and it was negative. I freaked out and bought 3 more. all 3 came back negative. I was so sick and upset all night. This morning, I bled pretty bad. I called my OB as soon as they opened and explained... they had me come right over.
A trans-vaginal ultrasound confirmed what I feared... I had a "chemical" pregnancy or an early miscarriage... I was trying to prepare for the worst, pray for the best... but I think I was still holding out hope... I think I am just numb right now.
Kevin is devastated. He managed to talk his boss into letting him leave work early to come to the appointment with me, then tried to talk me into taking the rest the day off, but I couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of the day in bed crying. I wanted to stay busy.
I managed to hold it together through the rest of the day at work and through class for Mental Health Nursing (ironically, one of the topics was loss, grief and depression). I lost it on the way home. I sobbed and slobbered all over my steering wheel. I can't believe I lost a baby.
I was only about 5 or 6 weeks along. I had only known I was pregnant for a few days. But from the moment I read the test I fell in love. I daydreamed about names, a nursery, browsed at maternity clothes... I couldn't wait to be a mother. It's amazing how quickly your world can change... and then in the blink of an eye, change again.
We plan to take a month off to heal, and then try again... but for now all I am able to think about is my little angel baby.
