Kennedy-isms

Kennedy is quite the talker.  Every day she surprises me with words she has learned (unfortunately a few I wish she would un-learn) and her ability to use them in context.  Just like any kid, she has adopted her own unique way of saying certain things and, before she learns the proper way to pronounce them, I want to make a note of all of the adorable things she says that make me smile.

• Beefurfly (butterfly)
• Farkle (sparkle)
• Freshel (special)
• Elfafent (elephant)
• Popsasicle (popsicle)
• Me turn (my turn)
• "Do you wanna build a Noman?"
• Buppy buppies (Bubble Guppies)
• Oopsie doopsie (Oopsie daisy)
• 'Punzel (Rapunzel)
• Eeenicorn (Unicorn)
• Punce upon a time (Once upon a time)
• Fuz (Because)
• Kevin will ask "What will you always be?" and Kennedy responds "Little Daddy's Girl".  Melt.

My baby girl, you will always be...

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on how I felt before Kennedy was born (which truthfully, I can hardly remember what life was like before her)... and thinking a lot about how much our lives will be changing when this baby arrives.  And I feel... torn.

I actually had a meltdown (complete with ugly cry) the other day and thought for a fleeting moment "I don't want to have another baby".  Of course, this is completely untrue.  Of course we are over the moon to bring another baby into this world and we are so excited to watch Kennedy become a big sister.  But I would be lying if I said a small part of me wasn't sad at the thought of changing the relationship I have with my one and only baby girl.

Kennedy seems happy about the baby.  She often rests her head on my belly or pats my bump and says "hi baby".  She takes out my doppler and wants to "listen to baby" or points to herself and says "big sisser".  She seems torn 50/50 on whether or not the "belly baby" is "baby brodder" or "baby sisser" but either way she seems genuinely interested and excited.  But I know in just a few short weeks, her world is going to be turned upside down.

Right now, I am all hers and she is the center of everyone's attention, especially mine.
What is it going to be like to share my heart, my attention, my time?  Will I be able to give the new baby all of the love and attention he or she needs while still giving all of the love and attention to Kennedy that she is accustomed to?  Will she hate me forever for removing her from her only child throne?
Before her time as my only child expires, I wanted to jot down some feelings in a letter.  I know she does not completely understand all of the changes that are happening right now, but maybe some day she will read, maybe some day she will understand.


Dear Kennedy, my baby girl,


I remember just before you were born looking at my loving husband- your daddy- and wondering how I could ever possibly love someone as much as I love him.  I wondered who you were and what our life would be like once you joined us.  I was excited, nervous, confused, scared and ecstatic all at the same time.  I wondered what it would feel like to be a mother, and worried if I would be any good at it.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give you all of the love you deserved. 
Then you arrived.
Eight pounds, ten ounces.  Twenty-one inches.  Head full of dark brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes.  You had the sweetest little cry and the most amazing new baby smell.
My heart immediately grew and despite all of my fears and worries about what life would be like with you, I could no longer remember my life without you.
I held you close and promised to give you all of my love for all of your life, not even fully understanding what that meant and yet somehow knowing I meant every word. 
I remember spending hours every night holding you, nursing you, staring at you.  I cried constantly.  Happy tears because my heart had never been so overwhelmed with joy and scared tears because I was terrified of all of the ways that I could possibly mess up this whole mom job.  I cried when you cried because it hurt my heart to see you sad.  I cried when you smiled because I felt like my heart would burst with happiness.
You were my whole world.  You are my whole world.
Today you are my one and only.  Soon, though, things will change.  Change is good, but sometimes change is hard.  Before things change, I wanted to take some time to tell you just how much you mean to me.  In the days to come, you might feel sad and confused.  I promise that bringing a new baby into our world does not mean I will love you any less, but rather that my heart will grow yet again and I will love even more.  And I promise your heart will grow too, just like mine did when I first laid eyes on you.  You will make a new friend that will be yours for a lifetime.  Your new little brother or sister will be so lucky because they have such an amazing, kind, loving big sister to look up to.
No matter how many other little brothers or sisters join our family, you are and always will be the little girl who made me a mother.  You will always be the first one I held in my arms and snuggled to sleep.  You will always be the first one to call me "mama" and the first one to enjoy all of the "firsts".  You are and always will be my sweet baby girl.


Forever and always,
Mama

Failing

I knew it wouldn't be easy.  I knew there would be lots of tears and sleepless nights, some missed memories and milestones and more than a few lessons learned... motherhood is a journey.

And being a working mom is really really hard.

Being a mom who works overnight is just plain crazy.

I have enough seniority to work a regular 8 hour day shift, or a 12 hour day shift... but I chose to work a 12 hour overnight shift for a few reasons... better money, less time around the boss, more time to study and most importantly... more time with my little girl.

This sounds like a great idea in theory, but in reailty, it just doesn't seem to be working out quite like I had planned.

Truth be told, lately, I feel like I am failing... or coming dangerously close to doing so.

When I come home from work, all I can think about is sleep.  I try to nap when Kennedy naps, but it is never enough.  When she wakes up from her nap, she is so happy to see me and excited to play with me and I am just... exhausted.  I spend my days just wishing the time away until her next nap.  I put a movie on the iPad, hand her a few toys and try to close my eyes.  "Just five more minutes" is my mantra as I beg her to sleep, to be still or at least to be quiet while I try to sleep just a little bit more.  I drag myself down the stairs and heat up a cup of coffee, often reheat it 4 or 5 times before I actually manage to drink it.  Most days I doubt a coffee IV would even be able to perk me up after a short 2 hours of sleep.

The days are flying by in a sleepy haze and I find myself wondering...

Is it worth it?

I mean, I really have no choice but to work and I have come to terms with that.  But my schedule.  This crazy 12 hour overnight schedule... is it really working for us?  True, I technically get to enjoy more days off... but in a matter of quality vs quantity I'm torn.  Do the extra days off really count if I can barely stay awake enough to actually enjoy them?

I don't want to wish away the days of my daughter's childhood.  They are already flying by way too fast as it is.  I want to enjoy every single sleep deprived moment... but that is easier said than done when you are chugging along in zombie mode with 7 hours of sleep over 3 days. 

I'm not complaining.  I'm really not.  I'm questioning my decision.  Did I make the right choice?  Am I doing ok?  Am I failing her?  How can I possibly make this work?  (Overnight mamas feel free to help me out here!)  CAN I really do this?  Heck, can I even make it through today?

In my sleepy stupor, I hear her tossing books around her nursery while I curl up on the recliner chair and struggle to keep my eyes open.  I hear the Evil Puppy toy sing in between moments of dozing off.  I wonder if she would be better off, be happier if I worked days and she spent her days at day care like other children with working mommies and daddies.  Would she learn more?  Play more?

Then she climbs up on the recliner chair with me, curls up on my lap and just sits.  Quietly.  I kiss her forehead and she gives me the biggest smile.... and I know that I am doing the right thing.  I can sleep later, when she grows up, but right now... whether I am awake or barely hanging on by an undercaffienated thread... I am here with her.  And that is what matters.

God I love this kid.

To My Daughter On Her First Birthday

I love you.  Before, after and above all else, I love you.

I loved you long before you took your first breath, before I first held your tiny little hand and breathed in your sweet baby smell.  Before I felt your kicks in my belly or listened to the sweet sound of your little heart beating.  Before I even knew you existed, I loved you.

Tomorrow, you turn one.  It's hard to believe that this time last year, you were still snug inside my belly, nestled just underneath my heart.  I talked to you and sang to you and wondered when you would make your appearance.  I loved to watch my belly rise and fall as you practiced breathing and I giggled with daddy when we watched you hiccup.  Your daddy read you stories every night, usually "Baby Oh Baby, The Places You'll Go" or "Guess How Much I Love You."  I daydreamed about what it would be like to be your mommy.

Now, I can't imagine being anything else. 

This time two years ago, I was praying for you and wondering if your daddy and I would ever be blessed with a baby.

And here you are.  We are so very blessed.

You are an amazingly sweet little girl.  Your smile lights up my life.  Your laugh is infectious.  You are my little mini-me and yet every bit of your father.  Your Fred Flinstone feet are the cutest things I have ever seen and your crazy bed head in the morning is one of my favorite things in the whole wide world.  The goofy faces you make crack me up and your little baby pot belly is just so precious.  The way you wave bye bye in the driveway with daddy when I leave for work brings me to tears every time and the way you yell "mama" and run to hug me when I come home melts my heart.  I may be a little biased, but I'm pretty sure you are the cutest little girl in the whole wide world. 

You love your puppy.  You love your daddy.  You love milk straight from the tap and you love french fries in a way that makes me crazy.  You thoroughly enjoy unravelling rolls of toilet paper and dumping out my purse onto the floor.  You love your new water table from Nana Lorrie and Grandpa and you love your new red wagon from Grandma Sherrie and Pap Pap.  And you love your puppy.  A lot.  :)

You are curious and excited and energetic.  You love to run, well, try to run, and drag around toys that are bigger than you.  You are my little night owl and my sweet little snuggle monster.  You sleep better, nap better, do everything better when you are close to me or cuddled up in daddy's arms.  Your favorite movie is Finding Nemo- I watched it with you at least 3 dozen times in the last 3 months.  Your favorite book is any book you can get your hands on.  You love to flip through the pages and yell at them, and I love to watch you.  You love to play with Lucy's water bowl and try to eat her doggie food, no matter how many times your daddy and I tell you "no".

I love to watch you laugh and learn and grow.  I love to watch you discover new things about yourself, like your belly button, and I love to watch you discover new things about the world around you.  You know "mama", "dada", "puppy" and "more".  You can sign milk, more, all done, and of course, puppy.  You wave bye bye and blow the best kisses.  You are so smart already, but you still have so much to learn.  I can't wait to show you the world and teach you everything I know.  But at the same time, I wish you could stay in this sweet, innocent, naiive state forever.

You may not stay little forever, but you will always always be my little girl.

You are perfect.

And in the morning, when you open your pretty gray/blue/green eyes to this big world, you will be perfectly one.

Happy birthday, sweet baby girl.  I love you!
 Love, Mommy

Another Moment, If I May...

It's 5:30am.  It's Saturday.  I'm on vacation

Three very valid arguments for the fact that I should be sleeping.

... But I'm not.  I can't.

I've been awake for a while.  Maybe an hour, maybe two.  I woke up originally with a burst of creativity and a project that I just *had* to get done right away for Kennedy's birthday.

Kennedy's birth... day....

As I was cutting and measuring away in the early hours (no one should ever be awake at this hour... especially on a Saturday... especially on vacation... especially ME... but I digress), it started to hit me.  I pushed it aside and kept Martha Stewart-ing away.  When I finished, I made a cup of coffee and headed to the nursery.  I started putting away the pile of clothes and diapers that I neglected last night, but before long I found myself sitting on the recliner, with Kennedy's baby book in my lap.

Bawling.

How is it possible that she is turning one already.  How??  I'm not ready!!!

I stared at the pages full of facts and firsts.  She was born at 9:46pm, I remember it like it was yesterday.  She weighed 8lbs 10oz and had a head full of dark hair.  She was beautiful and perfect.  She still IS beautiful and perfect.

I held her coming home outfit in my hands and marveled at how tiny it was.  How tiny she was (even though 8lbs 10oz is hardly a tiny babe at all) when she wore it.  It is just a simple white sundress with tropical flowers.  I picked it out as my one "girl" outfit, since we didn't know whether we were having a boy or girl.  It was way too big on her, but it was such a pretty dress I wanted it to be the one she wore home anyway.

This past year I have learned so much about her.  She does not like to sleep alone, not even for a nap.  She loves baths, loves Finding Nemo, loves to "read" (flip through her board books and yell), but doesn't like to be read to.  She loves french fries and Dunkin Donuts hash browns, something I am not crazy about.  She is super smart, signs "milk", "more" and "puppy"... and equally curious, always finding new things to stick in her mouth or dump in Lucy's water dish.  And Lucy, oh my gosh she LOVES Lucy.

She is my baby girl.  She will always be my baby girl.

But my baby girl is growing up.

There is a famous quote by Rajneesh (no idea who that is, but s/he had a way with words) that goes... "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new"

I have never really considered myself an emotional person, but ever since this beautiful little girl entered my life, I have become a new person.

A mother.

I have found myself often overwhelmed with emotions (case in point: the fact that just typing out that quote had me in tears).  I cry at nothing, at everything, but mostly I cry over her.  Happy tears, sad tears... usually a combination of the two.  I cry when she does something for the first time or when I think it may be the last.  Or lately, I cry when I even think about her doing something for the last time... like say "ma ma" or whine for me to pick her up.  I wonder how much longer she will want to cuddle in bed with us.  How many more nights she will fall asleep nursing and reach for me in the middle of the night.  How many more sweet baby giggles I will get.  I wish this phase could last forever, but I know these baby days are numbered.

I have been writing weekly updates and snapping pictures like it's my job since she was born.  I wanted to record and remember every single little thing she does.  You see, I have this fear of not being able to remember things.  Dementia/Alzheimer's runs in my family and at work I see patients all the time who cannot remember things or even worse, people.  My husband jokes often that I have the worst memory in the world and while it's a bit of an exaggeration... I'll admit that I am quite forgetful.  I don't care if I forget that the laundry has been in the washer for 4 hours, I don't care if I remember to send the electricity bill on time (although I probably should), and my phone an car keys could seriously use some sort of tracking device... but I do care that I remember these precious days with my baby.

I know I will remember the milestones, the birthdays, the special occasions... but what about days like today.  Today, a random Saturday... the day before her birthday party and two days before she turns one.  Today is not a momentous occasion.  It's not her birthday yet... according to the calendars, it's really just another day.  But I want to remember today.  I want to remember how peaceful she looks laying in her daddy's arms, with her puppy at her feet.  I want to remember the faces she makes in her sleep and how she reaches to hold onto my finger when I touch her hand.  I want to remember forever how absolutely heart-burtsingly (yep, that's a word) amazing it feels to be a mommy... to have a baby.

So when I finish writing this post, I am going to sneak back into my bedroom and watch my sweet baby girl sleep.  I am going to soak it all in, commit every moment to memory.  Memorize her sweet face as she dreams about milk and her puppy (what else do babies dream about, right?)... I'll laugh as she makes funny faces and sleep eats.  I will play with her tiny fingers and smile as they grasp mine; even in her sleep she holds on tightly to my hand.  I'm going to run my fingers through her hair and remember how baby soft it is.  

Every day I get to spend with this little girl is a special one.  Every day I get to be a mommy is a day I never want to forget.  The days of her being my sweet little baby are coming to an end soon... how soon I don't know, but right now all that matters to me is that we have today.  Today she is still my baby and today, I will remember.  Forever.

I'm Having A Moment

Watching Kennedy toddle around the house earlier (cutest thing ever, by the way) something occurred to me: I can't remember the last time I saw her crawl.  It has only been a day or two... Or maybe three.  I'm sure.  Wait maybe I'm not so sure.  Anyway... It hasn't been very long, but I can't remember it!!  I remember watching her crawl, heck I can even remember the first time she crawled, but I can't remember the last time.

Wait the last time?  Does that mean she is never going to crawl again?

Waaaaahhhhh......

My baby is a toddler.

::cue tears::  ok let me be honest, I practically sobbed on my steering wheel the whole way home from school.

Oh my gosh... How did this happen?  When did this happen?  WHY did this happen??

I waited so anxiously and was so excited for her first steps.  I couldn't wait for her to walk around and hold my hand.  Now... Well now I just want my teeny tiny little baby girl back.

So after I wallowed in self pity at the thought of my little girl growing up, marveled over the fact that her first birthday is right around the corner and cried some more at the idea of her one day not needing me anymore... I pulled in the driveway and opened the door to find her stumbling and toddling her way over to me yelling "mama, mama."  She couldn't get to me fast enough.  As I knelt down to pick her up, I had to push away the thought that there will come a day where she doesn't run into my arms or call me "mama"... A day where I won't be able to scoop her up and hold her close.  And I, of course, cried some more (when did I become such a cry baby anyway?). 

I realize that she does need me.  She will always need me, maybe someday more than I need her... But that is unlikely.  And that day is definitely not today.  This wobbly little toddler is my world.

I cuddled her extra tight tonight.  Time is just flying by way too fast.  I wish i could slow it down.  We have so many more memories to make.  I must do better at savoring every moment and remembering every little thing.  There will be so many more firsts... And lasts for us.  I don't want to let another one slip by.

I still can't believe she is here and that she has grown so much.  She walks, talks, signs, feeds herself (although still nurses like a little piglet... I dread the day that she wants to wean)... But no matter how big she gets and whether she is walking, running or driving a car... She will always always always be my baby girl. 

This is what i found when i went to check on her just now.  I think she will always be Daddy's little girl too... Don't you?

They Call It "Morning Sickness"

***** This is absolutely NOT- in any way shape or form- to be interpreted as medical advice.  These are things I have tried, under the guidance of my own doctor.  Your situation may be different and what was ok for me to do/try may or may not be safe for you or your little one.  Check with your OB before trying ANY remedies for your nausea. *****

Let's get some things straight here... the term "morning sickness" is a cruel and evil joke (likely coined by some dude who never experienced it).  I would have given my left arm to feel like absolute dog crap only in the "morning".  I actually felt my worst in the evenings and awoke many a night from a dead sleep to go have a face to face meeting with the porcelain goddess.  But I digress...

When pregnant, most women experience some degree of nausea... ranging from the occasional wave of "ugh, I can't eat that" to full blown "I want to barf my brains out" 24/7.  An unlucky few have it to such a degree (known as hyperemesis gravidarum) that they require hospitalization, IV nutrients and/or fluids.  For most, the nausea lasts only through the first trimester, until the placenta takes over providing nutrition for your growing little one and your hormones (sort of!! ha!) level off.  For another unlucky few it can last all the way through the entire pregnancy.  Fun stuff.

My level of (un)luck fell somewhere in the middle, toe-ing the line of hyperemesis and lasting into 22-23 weeks.  I did manage to make it through without IV supplementation, but I did succomb to some pretty heavy duty meds in the end.  But I survived, and you will too.  And in the end, you hold your beautiful baby in your arms and get to thank them personally for making you so sick.

Now that I have had the joy of experiencing this wonderful phenomenon known as morning sickness, and since I now have a few friends who are learning the ropes, I thought it would be a good time to write down and pass on my knowledge as far as treatments go.

Before you get all excited... there is no magic cure.  What worked for me may not work for you.  And what works for you today may send you running to the toilet tomorrow... because, you know, Mother Nature likes to keep us on our toes.  There were several things that made me feel slightly better one day then didn't help at all the next.  

Basically...  aside from the "cures" listed below, the key is really to never have a completely full or completely empty stomach.  Easier said than done when you don't really feel like eating at all.  But try to nibble on dry, bland snacks (pretzel sticks, bagels, crackers and toast were my menu for weeks) throughout the day.  Keep a stash of snacks on your nightstand and munch a little when you wake up to pee 16 thousand times in the middle of the night.  SMALL bites and SMALL sips as often as possible.  Full OR empty usually spells trouble.

• Sea Bands-  These can be picked up at Target or Babies R Us.  They are elastic bands with a small plastic doo-hickey that applies pressure, when properly positioned, to a key acupressure point on your wrist.  These didn't work wonders for me, but maybe took the edge off a little.  I wore them at work (only able to hide if you wear long sleeves, otherwise a dead "OMG You're knocked up!" giveaway)... and they helped a little when I couldn't carry around snacks/drinks all the time.   

• Ginger Stuff- Ginger candies, ginger teas, ginger snap cookies, candied ginger- This stuff actually works!!  I wasn't so much a fan of the tea, but the candied ginger, cookies and the candies really helped me out.  I drove all over Syracuse hunting these bad boys down before I realized you can order them online in bulk.  I now have enough stashed away to last through my next pregnancy, lol. 

• Coca Cola- Yep, you read that right.  Coke.  (Those who know me well, go ahead and pick yourself up from the floor.  I know I know, I NEVER drink soda... but this was an act of desperation, suggested by my OB, so I went for it!)  The real stuff with the red label, NOT diet, calorie free or any other knock off.  "But I shouldn't drink any caffeine" blah blah blah.  First of all, my OB was a fan of the "everything in moderation" concept.  Second, back in the day (feel free to check with your parents or grandparents) Cola Syrup was the magic cure-all for all sorts of tummy ailments.  Cola Syrup = the base for Coke.  Ta-daa!!!  So yes, this was actually probably one of the best suggestions my OB gave.  She said to drink a SMALL sip every few minutes when I felt crappiest.  A bottle should last several hours at this rate, which is well under the recommended/allowable "moderate" amount of caffeine intake allowed.

• Don't Drink Plain Water- I'm just getting crazier and crazier, aren't I?  First drink soda, now don't drink water... but hear me out.  When you put plain water in your stomach, especially an empty or almost empty stomach, your belly thinks "Oh yay!!  Something to digest" and the stomach starts a-churning and the stomach acid starts a-bubbling.  Next thing you know, you feel gross again.  Now, I am not saying don't drink water... because it is very very important to stay hydrated- especially during pregnancy... but put some sort of flavoring in it... Crystal Light packets, lemon slices, peppermint, Mio... anything.  Next.

• Change Up Your Prenatal- Unfortunately, one of the things that we need to provide nutritional support often makes us so sick that we get even less nutrition.  If your PNV makes you gag, try changing brands, switching to gummies or taking it at a different time of day (at night, right before bed worked best for me for a little while).  If all else fails, try switching to a children's vitamin (without Iron, since Iron is usually the culprit behind vitamin related nausea) until your stomach can handle the prenatals again.  As good as they may be for you and baby, if they are making you throw up what little food you can eat, they may be doing more harm than good.  As soon as you feel the slightest bit better, make sure you switch back to the prenatals again!!  

• Doxylamine (Unisom) + B6-  In Canada they actually sell a medication (Diclectin) that is basically this exact combination and it is very effective for morning sickness.  It was pulled from the US market years ago, but the research was questionable.  I think it was more a "better safe than sorry" situation.  In any case, there are many studies proving the safety and efficacy of this combination.  Under my OB's guidance, I gave this a shot when the ginger and Coke was no longer doing the trick and it really worked well for me for several weeks.  I took 1/2 B6 in the morning (bonus, B6 is also good to help with energy level) and 1/2 Unisom (the tablet, NOT the gel cap... check the ingredients to make sure it is Doxylamine) at night.  Not only did I sleep better and feel a little more energetic (probably because I could actually eat!) but I was able to hold down some of my food.  Woot woot!!

• Prescription Medicine-  I have never ever been a fan of medication (strange for a nurse, huh)... and I definitely did not want to take any unnecessary meds while pregnant.  Well... about 6 weeks into around the clock puking with no end in sight and having tried every single old wives tale and non-pharmacological anti-nausea trick in the book, I found myself begging my OB to give me the good stuff.  Zofran.  I researched until I was satisfied and had a good heart to heart with my OB and was assured that this was safe for me and baby.  I started on a small dose and eventually ended up taking them every 4 hours to get me through the worst of the nausea.  It did help and I was glad I finally agreed to give modern medicine a chance.

So that's it, in a nut shell.  I hope that this information can be helpful, as always, check with your OB first before trying anything.  

Remember... this, too, shall pass.  And in the end, that sweet little baby is worth everything blood vessel popping, puke out of your nose, everything I smell makes me want to toss my cookies, miserable moment.  And believe it or not... when it's over... you will be more than happy to do it all over again. 

***** This is absolutely NOT- in any way shape or form- to be interpreted as medical advice.  These are things I have tried, under the guidance of my own doctor.  Your situation may be different and what was ok for me to do/try may or may not be safe for you or your little one.  Check with your OB before trying ANY remedies for your nausea. *****

Back In The Saddle

Well... I went back to work this week.  Bleh.

I was blessed to have a warm welcome back from my coworkers (with our staffing shortage I'm pretty sure they were equal parts happy to see ME and just plain happy to see another name on the roster, lol).  I got a lot of "Wow!  You look great!  I can't believe you just had a baby!"  (always good for the ego) and "We missed you."  I wish I could say the same.  I mean I missed the people... sort of... but I didn't miss work.  At.ALL.  The last 9 weeks have been spent loving and cuddling and snuggling and playing with my beautiful new daughter.  I'd be a crazy person to miss work while I was busy doing that.

Which got me thinking... becoming a mother has really changed me in ways I never imagined. 

First, I never really thought I would enjoy being pregnant and to be honest, while I was pregnant there were times (most often times spent praying to the porcelain goddess) that I didn't really enjoy it.  Not long after I had my little girl in my arms did I miss having her in my belly.  Strange.

I've always been a runner.  I dislike walking.  Make that hate walking.  I think it's a waste of time.  Why walk when you can run?  Burn more calories, get there faster.. you know.  I love to run.  Well now... I take Kennedy for walks almost every day and I LOVE it.  I don't care as much about calories and I don't want to go anywhere fast.  I enjoy taking nice little strolls with her and watching her as she looks around and takes in this big world.

I wasn't completely sure about natural birth, cloth diapering, baby wearing and breastfeeding... now I can't imagine any other way.

I used to think parenting was easy and instinctive and the answers just came naturally (or through Google).  Now I know that it is exhausting.  It is work.  And sometimes there aren't any answers.  But it is the absolute most incredible and rewarding role I could ever imagine.  I learn something new about my daughter and myself every single day.  At 16 I was quite certain that I knew it all... and now I fully understand that I never will.

I used to give the super stink eye to parents whose children had random outbursts in the line at Target.  Now I give them a sheepish smile that says "I understand"... unless those children are obnoxiously bratty toddlers screaming about candy.  Control your kids, people!!  But seriously, I am a much more patient and understanding person now.  At least I *think* I am.

I also never ever pictured myself as the type of person who would actually want to be a stay at home mom.  I have worked full time since high school and never pictured myself not working.  After spending 9 wonderful weeks at home with my daughter, I couldn't even begin to imagine going back to work.  I didn't want to.

I had toyed with the idea of starting back gradually, maybe 3 days one week then back to full time the next... but I figured I may as well just get it over with, like ripping off a band aid.  No matter which way I cut it, I will be working full time and it is going to.. well... suck.

So rip off the band aid I did.  I cried the entire drive in to work on Sunday... and Monday... and Tuesday... ok you get it.  One full week down and I cried every.single.day.   I really wish I could spend my days playing with her, helping her learn and watching her grow.

I wish.  I wish.  I wish.  ::sigh::

So Monday it begins again.  Week #2 of my life as a working mother.  Any bets on how many days I will need waterproof mascara this week?  :)

Top 10: New Mama Must-Haves

 I read the books, I talked to friends who have been there, done that, I scoured the internet... but nothing truly prepared me for the first week of motherhood.  It was an amazingly beautiful, wonderful, crazy, chaotic zombie trance-like week that I can barely remember, but will never forget.

Settling into life with a newborn is tough.  With the help of my wonderful husband, family and friends... and the items listed below... we made it through!!

1.  Earth Mama Angel Baby New Mama Bottom Spray

In those first few days post partum, to say I felt like an NFL kicker had taken a shot at my lady bits with a steel toed boot is an understatement.  And I didn't even have a tear... I can only imagine how horrible that would feel.  Anyway... sensitive, painful, tender, OUCH... doesn't even begin to describe it.  This glorious spray felt cool and refreshing.  It contains natural ingredients to help soothe your poor privates during the aftermath.  I don't know what I would have done without it.
*EMAB also makes a New Mama Bottom Balm, which I bought, but never used.  If it's anything like the rest of their products, I'm sure it's awesome too!

2.  Gilligan O'Malley Nursing Tanks

I lived in these.  I knew I wanted to breasfeed and thought I would be proactive and purchase a few nursing bras during the last month of my pregnancy.  I *thought* I bought the right size... I mean... I had ballooned up several cup sizes already... how much bigger could they possibly get?  Boy was I clueless.  When my milk came in, I was busting out of everything I *thought* would contain them.  That's what I get for thinking, right?  See the good thing about the nursing tanks is that unlike bras which are sized pretty specifically (34D, 36DD, etc)... these are small, medium, large, etc.  The tanks are no where near as structured and have a lot more stretch to accommodate engorgement without sacrificing support.  They are wonderful!

3.  Gilligan O'Malley Nursing Sleep Bras

Another Target wonder product.  As fabulous as the tanks were, in the middle of the night when you are in a trance because you have been up every hour on the hour to nurse... the last thing you want to mess around with is trying to make sure you can get your nursing tank clipped back together before you hit the pillow for another quick 15 minute nap.  These sleep bras are very similar to sports bras, also have tons of stretch and are super simple to nurse in.  All you have to do is pull the material to the side, whip it out and feed that baby.  By far the best thing to sleep in when nursing!

4.  Earth Mama Angel Baby Natural Nipple Butter

The first few days/weeks of nursing are painful.  Seriously.  Nobody really warned me about this.  I can say that it gets better, but in the meantime finding something to soothe your nipples is really important.  The hospital provided some samples of lanolin- which worked great... but I definitely preferred the Natural Nipple Butter and was happy to switch when my samples ran out.

5.   Reusable Nursing Pads

It took me one outing in my disposable nursing pads to realize that I hated them.  I don't like panty liners or pads, so I don't know why I thought I wouldn't mind plastic-y pads on my boobs.  During my first trip to Babies R Us after Kennedy arrived, I picked up a package of reusable nursing pads... then came home and ordered a bunch on Amazon.  I have acquired a few different kinds, but my favorites are the cotton ones that came with my nursing cover.  So much softer on the skin then the pastic sposies.  Blech. 


6.  Mesh Hospital Panties

Yep.  Seriously.  Take them.  Take as many as you can get your hands on.  Take them all.  Whether you have a c-section or vaginal delivery, the first few days/weeks post partum are umm.... messy... and these disposables are awesome!!  Let's face it... nobody wants to wash that kind of a mess and tossing out your granny panties by the dozen doesn't exactly seem practical either.

7.  Always Infinity Pads

Speaking of messes... these are about as good as they get at containing them.  I am not a fan of wearing panty liners, let alone pads (ahem diapers), but post partum you really have no choice.  It was a trial and error process to find a pad I could actually tolerate and these were the winners.  May I suggest stocking up on pads... lots and lots of them... in advance.  The amount that you will go through in the first few weeks is pretty absurd.

8.  Pandora Radio

For some reason I thought singing lullabies was one of those innate motherly instincts.  I figured I would somehow just *know* the words to all of those traditional little songs and I would sing softly while my sweet babe drifted off to sleep.  HA!!  I have learned that not only do I not know the words to lullabies... but when I am super sleep deprived and baby girl is screaming, I can hardly remember the words to my favorite country songs.  Andplusalso, how many times can you sing "Rockabye baby in the treetop" before you are ready to stab yourself.  Enter Pandora.  Specifically the Rockabye Baby channel on Pandora.  This channel plays classic rock music (think Journey, Aerosmith, AC DC, Metallica) in lullabye form.  It's great!  I turn this on in the middle of the night and jam out softly to "Don't Stop Believing" and "Dude Looks Like A Lady" while we nurse.  Love it!

9.  Garnier Nutrisse Skin Renew Eye Roller

 

Let's face it... sleep deprivation does not do good things for your appearance.  Vain as it may sound, I did not want to sport the stereotypical "new mom" look... you know sweats, messy hair, dark circles and big bags under my eyes.  Umm... no thanks.  I did hang out in yoga pants, tank tops and a pony tail for a while... BUT... I did manage to throw on a little makeup before I left the house (most days at least).  Even if I didn't have time for my normal makeup routine, I did manage to swipe this wonder product on.  It's a concealer with (drum roll please) caffeine in it, which helps to not only hide those dark circles, but gives your skin a little pick-me-up.  Definitely a must have! 

10. Keurig

Speaking of caffeine..... I may or may not be slightly obsessed with my Keurig.  I loved it before... I even blogged about it when Kevin bought it for me last year (and may or may not have pictures hugging and kissing it, lol)... but now I REALLY love it.  I am pretty awful at making coffee anyway, and now I certainly don't have the time or patience to mess with a full pot... so K-cups it is.  Lord knows I need my morning cup o' Joe now more than ever.  

New Mom Lesson: Never Trust A Naked Baby

Allow me to preface this by saying that I live in a zoo (and I am, admittedly, one of the animals).

So tonight I was getting ready to give little Miss Kennedy her bath...

Actually... let me back track a moment... before we went for our walk this evening, I checked Kennedy's diaper... dry (strange... it had been over an hour and I had nursed her half an hour ago).  After our walk I checked again... still dry (hmm...).  So THEN...

I was getting Kennedy ready for her bath.  I got her all undressed (even removed her D-R-Y diaper) while Kevin filled her tub.  I made a quick pit stop with my naked baby in the nursery to grab wash cloths and a towel.  As I bent down, she started to pee... and pee... and pee some more.  There was no where for me to go, nothing for me to grab to cover her and I darn sure couldn't make her stop... so I did the only thing that made sense at the moment... I tried catching it... with my bare hand (yeah, because that makes sense... catch the pee in my hand).  I *knew* she had been saving her pee for hours just waiting to ambush me.

Kevin walked past the nursery and peeked in... there I stood with a naked peeing baby in one hand and a the other hand cupped overflowing with pee.  He looked confused... and horrified.  I just shrugged my shoulders and laughed and laughed... what the heck else could I do anyway?

So he just shook his head and said "Welp... looks like you need a bath too" and walked back to the bathroom to take her baby tub out and just fill the whole bath tub.  All of a sudden I hear "No!  Come on... LUCY!!" so I head over to see what is going on now.

Yep... you guessed it... Lucy had jumped in the bath tub and was happily drinking the bath water.

Yep... a freaking zoo.  :)

I miss it.

So I had a mini cry fest last night (ok ok... ugly cry for a little bit) and said something I never ever thought I would say... 

"I miss being pregnant"
 

Yep. I do.
 

I never ever thought I would feel this way. I felt like absolute dog crap for the first half of this pregnancy and (as grateful as I was to be growing a baby) I couldn't wait to get the whole labor thing over with and just hold my little one in my arms. Now that she's here... I kind of miss the excitement, the anticipation, the "is it a boy or a girl" and the "s/he's all mine" feeling.

I felt similarly after I got engaged and after my wedding. I wanted nothing more than to be engaged... then once I had the ring on my finger I missed the "is he ever going to ask" and "I wonder if today is the day and how he is going to do it"... then I counted down the days to my wedding and just couldn't wait to be a "Mrs"... but once it was over and life settled down, I remember getting teary eyed that our big day had passed... it was over, done, never to be enjoyed again.  I wanted to turn back the clock and savor the anticipation, feel those butterflies again as I walked down the aisle, make our first dance last just a few minutes longer, enjoy our last dance one last time.

I love being married and I love being a mom, I wouldn't change my life for anything in this world... but part of me really wants to go back and re-live the days/weeks/months leading up to those life changing events (even the labor part... now I KNOW I'm nuts). People told me in the first trimester (when I was unbelievably sick and miserable) that I would miss this... I thought they were nuts.  But now I would give anything (well not anything, but close) to go back in time, slow it down and soak it all in. It really went by way too fast.

The perfect song for this moment......

Introducing My Beautiful Daughter

Kennedy Ann Boles was born Sunday July 29, 2012 at 9:46pm

She weighs 8lbs 10oz and measures 21in long