Kennedy-isms

Kennedy is quite the talker.  Every day she surprises me with words she has learned (unfortunately a few I wish she would un-learn) and her ability to use them in context.  Just like any kid, she has adopted her own unique way of saying certain things and, before she learns the proper way to pronounce them, I want to make a note of all of the adorable things she says that make me smile.

• Beefurfly (butterfly)
• Farkle (sparkle)
• Freshel (special)
• Elfafent (elephant)
• Popsasicle (popsicle)
• Me turn (my turn)
• "Do you wanna build a Noman?"
• Buppy buppies (Bubble Guppies)
• Oopsie doopsie (Oopsie daisy)
• 'Punzel (Rapunzel)
• Eeenicorn (Unicorn)
• Punce upon a time (Once upon a time)
• Fuz (Because)
• Kevin will ask "What will you always be?" and Kennedy responds "Little Daddy's Girl".  Melt.

Delaney's Birth Story

So I had a baby in the bathroom...

Allow me to preface this by saying that a few months ago, Kevin and I looked into doing a home birth.  You know… the super crunchy, dim candle light, soft music, warm water tub, calm midwife encouraging me through contractions while my husband held my hand or massaged my back.  Yeah that kind.  Unfortunately, due to insurance/financial reasons, we learned that this type of birth was just not in the cards for us and we made preparations to deliver at the same hospital Kennedy was born at.  I searched for a while to find a midwife that I felt would be receptive of a relaxed, intervention-free birth and I vowed to do my part to make sure this baby’s birth was completely different.  Not that Kennedy’s birth (Kennedy's Birth Story Here) was anything less than special… it just wasn’t the empowering, medication/intervention free birth that I wanted to experience.

On to the story…

So Friday morning at 11am I had my last midwife appointment before the baby’s due date (which was Saturday).  Going in, I was on the fence about whether to have them check me for dilation/effacement.  Up to this point, I had declined internal exams, because I believe in trying to go the full 40 weeks if at all possible, and I didn’t want anything to get stirred up during the exam.  I consulted with some girlfriends and asked Kevin if he wanted to know… he was supportive either way.  I figured with the due date being the next day, it wouldn’t hurt.  I had also decided that since I am late for… well… everything, it would be shocking if any of my kids were on time (Kennedy was 5 days late) let alone early.  The MW checked me and said I was 2cm and 80% effaced.  These are the exact stats I received when I checked into the hospital with K, after my water had broken, so I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.  She offered to strip my membranes and I declined.  I had to work Friday (and Saturday) overnight, still had some laundry to do and things to pack/unpack.  I had a letter to write to Kennedy (which I planned to use as a distraction during early labor) and one last baby bump picture to take.  My (and Kevin’s) curiosity was satisfied so I headed home.

Around 12:30-1pm I took Kennedy out to lunch, to our favorite little café in Liverpool, Café 407.  I had taken her last week thinking it might have been our last mommy/daughter date before her little brother or sister arrived, so I was very thankful to be able to sneak in one more lunch date.  I started feeling crampy during lunch and on the drive home, but I chalked it up to the internal exam and really didn’t think much of it since the “cramps” were sporadic, varying lengths and not any more intense than annoying period cramps.  By this point, I was so set on going past my due date that I even sent my friend (Kennedy’s sitter) a text asking if she wanted to go get pedicures on Sunday. 

Around 2-2:15pm we got home from lunch and I tried to put K down for a nap.  Normally on work nights, I nap with her to get some extra sleep in before staying up all night.  She nursed for a while, but neither of us could get comfortable enough to fall asleep and I began to notice the “cramps” beginning to feel a little more intense.  I turned on the contraction timer app on my phone, just for kicks, to see if these were anything worth worrying about.  To my surprise, they were coming regularly about 5 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds-1 minute.  All the while I was still trying to get Kennedy to nap so I could either nap with her or hop in the tub to see if these contractions were going to stick around or fade away.  This went on for about half an hour.  She was kind of restless and I guess I was too, so I finally gave up and sent Kevin a text at work around 2:45.  I told him I wasn’t sure if it was baby time yet, but I asked if he could possibly come home early to take care of Kennedy so I can either rest or get things moving.  He left right away and made it home in record time (excited, much?) around 3:15.  I also texted My friend who was going to watch Kennedy when I went in to deliver (who literally lives right behind us, but just happened to be 45 minutes away that day, which NEVER happens, lol!).  She was planning to be home by 6pm anyway and I told her not to rush, since I wasn’t really sure if this was it or not.  Plus, I kept thinking in the back of my head that with Kennedy, I went in WAY too early and was stuck there for hours… which lead to Pitocin and an epidural.  I knew this was not what I wanted and that I did want to labor at home as long as possible.  So I told her I just wanted to give her a head’s up but to carry on as planned  I used 6pm as my focus point.

By this point (about 3:30pm), I was still on the fence as to whether this was the real deal or just the aftermath of the internal exam earlier that day.  I still hadn’t called the midwife or called in to work for the night, because I didn’t want to jump the gun.  I was waiting for the contractions to become more intense, closer together, last longer… something. 

By about 4pm the contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart, lasting about 1- 1 ½ minutes and definitely increasing in intensity… I was pretty sure this was it.  I called into work, but for some reason, held off on calling the MW.

The next hour is kind of a blur.  I alternated between the bath tub, birthing ball, my bed, the floor and pretty much everywhere in between.  At one point, I drained the tub and thought I would take a shower.  Next thing I know, with shampoo in my hair I decided “the heck with it, back in the bed”, then back in the shower a minute later, this time curled up on the floor.  I was now absolutely positive this was it, but questioning my ability to get through the next 2 hours.  I just kept focusing on 6pm (when my friend/K's sitter was planning to be home and I was planning to drop K off and head to the hospital), but the minutes were dragging.  I was picturing arriving at the hospital shortly after 6pm, writhing in agony, only to be told I was at 5cm or something like that and that I still had hours to go.  I began to mentally prepare myself to give in and beg for an epidural since the pain was unbelievably intense by this point.

Somewhere around 4:45pm, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.  I finally decided to call the midwife who told me to head in to the hospital.  I told her my sitter was about 45 minutes away, but that we would head in as soon as she arrived.  I then texted my friend and told her I changed my mind, lol.  I asked if she could leave soon and head to our house.  She was on the road in minutes.

Around 5pm or so I started to feel like “I’ve got to POOP!” so I sat on the toilet.  Then Nurse Monica took over for a second and it hit me.  “Holy !^%@#^ … rectal pressure… this is a surefire signal that delivery is imminent”.  I yelled to Kevin that we needed to leave NOW.  He got Kennedy dressed and sent our sitter a text asking her to just meet us at the hospital.  I put my yoga pants on, only to rip them off during the next contraction and hop back on the toilet.  It was the only place/position that felt even remotely tolerable.  This process (between contraction- pants on, everyone get in the car, I can totally make it to the hospital in time… during contraction- pants off, back on the toilet, I’m not going to make it!!) for a few contractions.  Not sure why, but during one contraction, I decided to reach down and check what was going on down there.  To my shock, I felt the bulging bag of waters and a firmness (head?!) just inside.  OH.MY.GOD!

By now it was about 5:15pm.  I yelled to Kevin again, who ran upstairs and must have caught the look of terror on my face.  I told him there was no way we were making it to the hospital in time.  He asked if he should call 9-1-1 and I said “I don’t know!”.  I waivered back and forth… call 9-1-1, don’t call, try to get to the car, screw it stay right here, “grab towels!” (the only piece  of my EMT training that surfaced during this whole debacle).  Finally Kevin just said “executive decision… calling 9-1-1” and I was thankful that the decision was made.  Sweet Kennedy was so worried about me… she kept coming in the bathroom to rub my back or pat my hand and say “it’s ok, mama.  Don’t cry”.  Then Kevin would ask her to go play in her room and she would sit on her bed with a doll, pouting.  She is so incredibly sensitive and was no doubt scared.

The 9-1-1 operator told him to make me get off the toilet immediately.  I was mad, but in retrospect, it was definitely the right thing to do. 

So there I was… laying on my bathroom floor (which is *about* the size of a small closet) in nothing but my bra.  My loving husband had one phone up to his ear talking to 9-1-1, a second phone in his left hand texting the sitter to tell her to come straight to our house asap, and his right hand applying “gentle pressure” to somewhere down there per the 9-1-1 operator’s direction.  <I need to interject here and remind everyone of my idea of a home birth… with the whirlpool tub, candles, soft music, my husband massaging my back during contractions, my dignity still intact.  Yeah that.>  Anyway, a few contractions later, my water broke and I felt like I had to push immediately.  Gulp.

Just then, I heard the ambulance crew announce their arrival at our front door (and I’m pretty sure Kevin heard angels singing).  They ran up the stairs and Kevin dove for safety as the paramedic donned his gloves.  Less than a minute later, our sweet baby was born.  A feisty little baby girl.

Kevin cut the cord and took her to meet her big sister while the paramedic and EMTs checked me over.  They did make me sit on a stair chair to exit the house (mortifying!) then hop on the stretcher (with half of the neighborhood rubber necking, awesome) and baby girl and I enjoyed our first ambulance ride together to the hospital where we were given a clean bill of health and a few dozen “wtf”s.

So that’s it.  That is the story of how our sweet, spunky Delaney Grace came crashing into our world.  She was born Friday September 5, 2014 at 1738 at home, in our bathroom.  She weighs 7 pounds 13 ounces and is 21.5 inches long.  She has a full head of dark hair and beautiful long eyelashes, just like her big sister.  Kennedy is just smitten by her baby sister and my super awesome, multi-tasking husband (so proud of him!) is listed as the official delivery “attendant” (kind of cool, right?) on her birth certificate.  We all now have a story to laugh about for years to come.

So… if you ever hear about someone delivering a baby in an awkward, less-than-desirable, unplanned location and wonder “how the heck does that happen?”… now you know.

My baby girl, you will always be...

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on how I felt before Kennedy was born (which truthfully, I can hardly remember what life was like before her)... and thinking a lot about how much our lives will be changing when this baby arrives.  And I feel... torn.

I actually had a meltdown (complete with ugly cry) the other day and thought for a fleeting moment "I don't want to have another baby".  Of course, this is completely untrue.  Of course we are over the moon to bring another baby into this world and we are so excited to watch Kennedy become a big sister.  But I would be lying if I said a small part of me wasn't sad at the thought of changing the relationship I have with my one and only baby girl.

Kennedy seems happy about the baby.  She often rests her head on my belly or pats my bump and says "hi baby".  She takes out my doppler and wants to "listen to baby" or points to herself and says "big sisser".  She seems torn 50/50 on whether or not the "belly baby" is "baby brodder" or "baby sisser" but either way she seems genuinely interested and excited.  But I know in just a few short weeks, her world is going to be turned upside down.

Right now, I am all hers and she is the center of everyone's attention, especially mine.
What is it going to be like to share my heart, my attention, my time?  Will I be able to give the new baby all of the love and attention he or she needs while still giving all of the love and attention to Kennedy that she is accustomed to?  Will she hate me forever for removing her from her only child throne?
Before her time as my only child expires, I wanted to jot down some feelings in a letter.  I know she does not completely understand all of the changes that are happening right now, but maybe some day she will read, maybe some day she will understand.


Dear Kennedy, my baby girl,


I remember just before you were born looking at my loving husband- your daddy- and wondering how I could ever possibly love someone as much as I love him.  I wondered who you were and what our life would be like once you joined us.  I was excited, nervous, confused, scared and ecstatic all at the same time.  I wondered what it would feel like to be a mother, and worried if I would be any good at it.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to give you all of the love you deserved. 
Then you arrived.
Eight pounds, ten ounces.  Twenty-one inches.  Head full of dark brown hair and the most amazing blue eyes.  You had the sweetest little cry and the most amazing new baby smell.
My heart immediately grew and despite all of my fears and worries about what life would be like with you, I could no longer remember my life without you.
I held you close and promised to give you all of my love for all of your life, not even fully understanding what that meant and yet somehow knowing I meant every word. 
I remember spending hours every night holding you, nursing you, staring at you.  I cried constantly.  Happy tears because my heart had never been so overwhelmed with joy and scared tears because I was terrified of all of the ways that I could possibly mess up this whole mom job.  I cried when you cried because it hurt my heart to see you sad.  I cried when you smiled because I felt like my heart would burst with happiness.
You were my whole world.  You are my whole world.
Today you are my one and only.  Soon, though, things will change.  Change is good, but sometimes change is hard.  Before things change, I wanted to take some time to tell you just how much you mean to me.  In the days to come, you might feel sad and confused.  I promise that bringing a new baby into our world does not mean I will love you any less, but rather that my heart will grow yet again and I will love even more.  And I promise your heart will grow too, just like mine did when I first laid eyes on you.  You will make a new friend that will be yours for a lifetime.  Your new little brother or sister will be so lucky because they have such an amazing, kind, loving big sister to look up to.
No matter how many other little brothers or sisters join our family, you are and always will be the little girl who made me a mother.  You will always be the first one I held in my arms and snuggled to sleep.  You will always be the first one to call me "mama" and the first one to enjoy all of the "firsts".  You are and always will be my sweet baby girl.


Forever and always,
Mama

Kennedy's 22 Month Check In

Another month has flown by and (surprise surprise) I am late to update.  I just don't know where the time is going.  Baby girl is really turning into a little person.  I mean... I *know* she has always been a litlte person, but she acts more grown up every day.  Her language is exploding, her facial expressions and gestures are so animated and her personality is really truly her own.  I am not sure whether I should laugh or cry at the thought of her growing so fast, but one thing I know for sure is that I am truly blessed to witness it.

How Big Is Baby?

• Kennedy is about 24-25 pounds
• Since she wears mostly Pull Ups during the day, her 2T pants are still way too big. She wears 18 month pants and even some 12T shorts. Tops-wise, she is in 18 month and 2T... no change here
• Size 5 shoes still
• She wears Pull Ups during the day with very few accidents. At night, we still use cloth diapers and she still fits in her one sizes perfectly

Development & Milestones

• In addition to her ever-expanding vocaublry, her comprehension is improving.  She now speaks in complete or near-complete sentances.  She asks and answers questions appropriately.  It is so fun to be able to communicate with her.
• Tooth count... I'm 99% sure we have a full set

Diet/Nursing

• In addition to her love of fresh fruit and veggies, Kennedy still loves to nurse, especially at nap time and bed time.  You know... it's funny (and I will probably do a separate post about this in the near future...) motherhood is such a humbling experience.  I always knew I wanted to breastfeed (mostly for the nutritional benefits) but never in a million years did I expect to be nursing an almost 2 year old, with no end in sight.  The special bond we share and the overwhelming feeling of love and closeness is indescribable.  I am so grateful that we are able to continue to nurse!

Sleep

• Sleep has been pretty good.  I am still working overnights, but on daddy nights, K does a great job falling asleep and sleeping through the night with Kevin.  On mommy nights, we nurse to sleep and she usually wakes once a night for a little more milk.  I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Mommy & Daddy Check In

• Another fun month for us!  Kevin and I celebrated our 3rd (Wow!) anniversary yesterday and the whole family (Miles and Lucy included) enjoyed a trip to Pittsburgh for Memorial Day.
• We are both still rocking T25 and enjoying our new, clean diet.
• Otherwise... same old!

Any appointments, visitors or outings? Anything else new?

• Pittsburgh trip for Memorial Day with a trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo which Kennedy LOVED!
• We are working on a playground in our backyard.  Pictures to come... but it is going to be awesome!

Any upcoming developments, milestones? What's next?

• Next appointment will be 2 year well check in July.

Kennedy's 21 Month Check In

It's hard to believe we are really closing in on Kennedy's second birthday.  This month was pretty dismal, but the weather is sloooooowly improving and I finally see some sunny days and play time outside in the near future.

How Big Is Baby?

• Kennedy is about 24-25 pounds
• Since she wears mostly Pull Ups during the day, her 2T pants are still way too big.  She wears 18 month pants and even some 12T shorts.  Tops-wise, she is in 18 month and 2T
• Size 5 shoes still
• She is wearing Pull Ups mostly during the day (and doing an AWESOME job with potty training). At night, we still use cloth diapers and she still fits in her one sizes perfectly

Development & Milestones

• I feel like I say this every month, but her language development is really amazing.  She has started to put 3 word sentances together.
• My favorite thing?  "Yes, please!"  She is just so polite and it is the cutest thing.  She says "Yes, please" and "Thank you buddy" all the time.  ::gushing proud mama here::
• Still no fear of strangers and still loves to wave and say "Hi" or "Hi buddy" to everyone
• No new progress with potty training.  K pees on the potty about 75% of the time, but still doesn't let us know when she needs to (or already has!?  ugh) to poop
• Tooth count... I'm just going to guess full set. I can't tell if she has cut any new ones or not, lol!

Diet/Nursing

• Still nursing away! Mostly just nap time and bed time now, but 21 months and still going strong!  It's funny because I really never pictured myself as someone who would nurse for an extended period, but here we are... and I wouldn't have it any other way.
• Her appetite comes and goes, but she definitely has a preference for fresh fruit.  Luckily, so do I, so we are a match made in heaven.

Sleep

• Sleep was great this month.  I have been encouraging Kevin to put her to bed a little earlier, especially on nights that I am at work and this seems to be working well.
• Naps were so-so.  It must be so tough for her to flip flop back and forth between my work and day off schedule... but she does her best and we make it work. 

Mommy & Daddy Check In

• This month has been really great!  Kevin and I have both been keeping up with Insanity and have really made an effort to eat cleaner and healthier than we already do.  Kevin has lost several inches and his changing shape is becoming more obvious!  I am so proud of how hard he is working!
• Otherwise... work is work and school is school and life is crazy, but beautiful.

Any appointments, visitors or outings? Anything else new?

• Not much this month again.  A few trips to the park, a 6 legged 5K (which was WAY fun!), a trip to the zoo and an outing to check out Billy Beez... hopefully some sunshine and play time in the neatr future.

Any upcoming developments, milestones? What's next?

• Next appointment will be 2 year well check in July.

Two.

You would be 2 years old today.  I watch Kennedy running around and singing the song from Frozen and catch myself daydreaming about you.  She definitely has a personality all her own, but when I look at her, especially on days like today, I think of you. 

If you were here, she would not be.  What a strange and confusing emotion.  I am so grateful for her, but I so desperately long to know you, to hold you, to have you here with me.

I still have the wonders and what if's... the daydreams and nightmares... I still wonder if you were an Emily Rose or a (boy name we never talked about).  I wonder if you would be as obsessed with Frozen as she is and if you would adore the puppies as much as she does.  I wonder if you would be clumsy or quiet or shy or silly.  I wonder what your laugh would sound like.

So today, like many days, I wonder.

I went back and read some old blog entires... the day I found out I was pregnant with you... the day I found out I lost you... your first birthday in heaven.  The raw emotion came flooding back just as strong as those first days.  It's amazing how reading one's own letters is like stepping back in time.  The pain felt fresh all over again and I feel the tears flowing again.

Then Kennedy, your sweet and silly earthly sister climbs into my lap and says "I love you mama" and as much as I know it is her comforting me, in some strange way I feel you.

Thank you.

And happy birthday, sweet angel.

Kennedy's 20 Month Check In

Another month has flown by and we are (FINALLY) approaching spring here in Syracuse.  Kennedy continues to grow and learn while mommy and daddy continue to wish time would just.slow.down.
 
How Big Is Baby?

• Kennedy is about 24-25 pounds
• We are finally moving into some lighter clothes (although still long pants and long sleeve shirts) and K is fitting into 18 month pants with 2T tops.  Since she wears mostly Pull Ups during the day, the pants are a little saggy, but length-wise they work.
• Size 5 shoes still
• She is wearing Pull Ups mostly during the day (and doing an AWESOME job with potty training).  At night, we still use cloth diapers and she still fits in her one sizes perfectly

Development & Milestones

• She has learned quite a bit this month... coutning 1 to 10, colors and shapes.  She loves to point to things when we are out and tell me what shape or color they are.  She also loves to count... everything.  I am so proud of her!
• She is still very outgoing and loves to wave or say "Hi" to everyone.  She is also really enjoying her time at the sitter, especially when there are other kids for her to play with.
• She continues to do well with potty training.  We are still not 100% yet, but I am in no rush.  I am just following her lead and encouraging her when she tells me she needs to go, then goes.  She is definitely doing this her own way in her own time and I am totally supportive of that.
• Tooth count... I'm just going to guess full set.  I can't tell if she has cut any new ones or not, lol!

Diet/Nursing

• Still nursing away!  Mostly just nap time and bed time now, but 20 months and still going strong!
• Food-wise, she has been a bottomless pit this month.  She eats anything and everythign in sight... and then asks for strawberries.  She is *obsessed* with strawberries... but hey, it could be worse... she could be obsessed with coffee like her mama.  Ha!

Sleep

• Sleep was pretty good this month.  I think she is back in the swing of things now that we are back into our normal (abnormal) routines).  She goes down fairly easily at night (for the most part, depending on how late she naps) and wakes once for water or a quick nursing session.
• Naps continue to be awful this month.  She continues to push her naps back to sometimes 3 or 4 or even 5 (gulp) in the afternoon.  This makes for a late bedtime or- if I have to wake her up for you know... dinner... a super cranky toddler.  I realize that I am a big part of the problem and that I have created a nap-time monster, but I am unsure of exactly how I can fix this.  My crazy work/sleep schedule means that I only get a few short hours with her in the afternoon and she loves to snuggle, nurse and nap with me.  It's kind of our thing.  I'm not really sure how I can fix her crazy nap schedule without sacrificing our snuggle time or losing out of my sleep time earlier in the day. 

Mommy & Daddy Check In

• This month has been back to normal... in some ways good, and in some ways not so good.  It's nice to get back back into our routine (I type this with a chuckle, since our "routine" is typically complete chaos)... but on the other hand I feel like time just flies when we go about our hectic lives, just trying to make it through each day.
• Kevin and I have decided to start Insanity together on Monday.  I'm pretty pysched about this.  Kevin... not so much.  I have the DVDs ready and waiting (I've already checked out a few of them) and a box of Shakeology to sample.  I am thrilled to have my butt kicked with some good hard workouts and even more excited to have Kevin (and my awesome coach friends) to help keep me motivated.

Any appointments, visitors or outings? Anything else new?

• Not much this month, but now that the weather is warming up, there should be lots of fun outings in our future.

Any upcoming developments, milestones? What's next?

• Next appointment will be 2 year well check in July.